I might have mentioned in some previous posts that I am preparing for my Working Holiday Visa for Japan. Today, I finally have everything completed and I can send it all off tomorrow!
I should be happy today, but I am actually fed up. I should be feeling excited, but I am feel sad and guilty. The reason is my family. None of my family members is fully supporting me. By that, I don’t mean that they don’t help me. My father just lent me some money for example. But they don’t believe in me. That’s what bothers me the most. It was the same when I went to China. They didn’t believe in me. They thought I would come back after 3 months. But I didn’t! I even extended my stay. And as soon as I was back in Germany, I realized how much I missed that massive, crazy country.
I have tried everything to find a study place or a job here in Germany, but it didn’t work out! In May, my sister found me a job at her old working space, the University of Applied Sciences. I should be the organizer of language courses. It sounded nice and it was a safe job. I applied and waited… and waited. I waited for over 3 months. Around August they finally told me that there was nobody needed for that position anymore so I gave up. I was already in the process of preparing for Working Holiday Visa, but after that, I was completely serious about it.
Now today, when my sister came back home, she was excited and told me about what she had done: She had sent an application to the University in my name, for the same position and they had invited me to an interview. I was not happy though. I was in the middle of my Working Holiday application, and she wanted me to have an interview. It wasn’t even safe that they would take me. My sister, my father and my brother all tried to convince me to change my mind, but it was already too late…
Too late because I already had the plane tickets and all the application forms.
Too late because I already finished thinking about my future in Germany.
Too late because Germany kept on disappointing me, not only the last 1/1/2 years, but all my life.
I can’t say that I have one amazing memory here in Germany. It’s kind of sad, but that’s how it is. All the unforgettable memories I have collected in my life are either from Turkey or from China.
I am not living to work in a good-paying job and live a secure, safe life with a – potential -secure future (no one know how Germany or Europe will look like after not even 10 years with a lot of countries having right-wing tendencies like the UK, Austria, Poland, and Germany).
Everyone is talking about retirement, but what if I don’t even get to live that long?
What if the retirement system will disappear after 40 years? It’s a known fact that Germany is an aging society. Even if I pay my retirement now, will I be paid enough by the government? What will I have then? A secured retirement where the only memories are about working in the country I have been born and raised and lived all my life withouth making any remarking decision? Or a happy, old woman with great memories about people I met around the world, throughout my life.
My father used a phrase today in turkish, that’s translated into: “Which one is better? The bird in your fist or the bird on the branch?” The right and logical answer to that is of course, the bird in your fist, because you have already captured your prey. You already have what you have been looking for. You have dinner and don’t have to go to sleep hungry. I answered differently though. I said the bird on the tree is better, because it’s free.
People tell me I am brave to go to Japan on my own. When I was a little kid, I was nothing close to brave. I was shy, weak, insecure. In grade 1 I didn’t have any friends. The whole year, I was standing against a wall, eating my lunch on my own while the other kids were playing. When my sister started school I was so happy! I would finally have someone to play with. On my sister’s day of enrollment, I never left my mother’s and sister’s side and my mother asked me why I didn’t go play with my friends. I have never told my parents that I didn’t have friends at school. When I was in grade 2 and my sister started school, I would always try to find her in the breaks, but she had her own friends so I would just go back to my wall. I was literally a wallflower.
I changed though. I started to become less shy and I also started to have friends. Still, my parents always tried to keep me safe. I wasn’t allowed to do a lot of things because I was sick (I had Asthma since I can remember).
They have always been over protective of me. Until I couldn’t take it anymore and wanted to break free. Just like the bird in the fist wants to be the bird on a branch.
I was the bird in a fist, all my life. The fist is not only my family, but also the society of Germany that will crush your dreams if they are not logical, too risky, not useful, and can’t secure a good future. I grew up listening to my elders, be it teachers or parents. I never listened to my own heart. I never did what I really wanted to do myself. Going to China and living there opened my eyes that life can also be different. That I can do things on my own if I want to. And I don’t need any elders or a man to tell me what to do and how to do it. I can be strong and brave myself, withouth any help or consent of others.
The reason I wrote about all of this here is to get it off my mind, because during the last few hours. I feel like I can’t talk about this to my family because they wouldn’t understand what I mean. I am also not writing this to put my family in a bad light. I love my family more than anything, but sometimes you have to leave the ones you love to find yourself. I have a name, but sometimes I don’t know who I really am and who I wanna be. And I won’t be able to find this out if I keep on staying here, doing all the things I did all my life without anything changing.
If you are reading this now, I am thankful that you were patient enough to go through all my ramblings. I don’t expect you to comment or like, but I just want to say Thank You for listening to me.
I feel so much better now.