Doubts and Disappointments

On Friday, I had an oral exam from one of my Hauptseminars (seminars you have to take when you are in your last year of studies). This oral exam should actually take place before summer break, but my prof got sick, so it had to be delayed. On halloween at 12 I was supposed to take it. The exam was neither good nor bad. I knew some things, especially technical things, but there were also some confusing parts, especially in the second part of the exam which was about a topic I chose (Dystopian literature in this case) I talked more about the content of the novels, than about the technical aspects. There, I got some minus points. Another big minus was my language. My prof said that my english wasn’t the finest he had heard. I mean, that’s true, it really wasn’t but when he told me that it would be hard for me with this level of speaking to do a Master in english studies without going abroad. That was quite a slap in the face, because I have actually tried to go abroad, but both times it didn’t work out. I also told him about that, and I think he was quite surprised himself.

Well, I got a 2,7, so in the end, it is a normal grade. I am used to this. For some students, that would be the end of the world, but that is the typical grade I have always got since I started uni. The actual thing that was nagging on me was the comment about doing a Master and going abroad. I am really clueless what to do about my bachelor thesis. I mean, my spoken language is not quite well, but my written language isn’t better neither. I lost so much time with unsuccessfully applying for a study abroad. Then I waited 1 year to apply for Erasmus, because I missed the due date (my old bank is to blame!), and then I didn’t get in there at all. Now, I am shortly before doing my bachelor, and I am not sure if I will be successfull in finding a job or a Master studies with an average bachelor certificate of estimated 3.0

When I walked to the train station on Friday, I was a bit depressed. My university years didn’t work out as I imagined at all. I mean, I have met a lot of different kinds of people from all over the world, and I also had the best parties in those years, but I wanted more of these 3 and a half years, except for parties. I wanted to learn more than just about literature and culture. Primarily I had to improve my language, and if you are already a university student, going abroad is the only way for getting better than you already are.

If you are getting older and watching your friends around you doing years abroad in Japan, China, Brasil, Korea, Singapore, USA, England and so on, then you feel kind of useless. If you are watching some of your friends doing something with their lives, then you feel useless as well. I think if there was a change in my life and personality after I have finished my A’levels, but I can’t find any (maybe that i have learned to speak 2 new languages).

Still, I try hard not to get too depressed about all of this. I only have to be cheerful and more hopeful. Maybe not necessarily about my bachelor, but I will definitely try to fulfill my wish to go abroad via AIESEC now. That’s more important to me than my bachelor right now. So strange. I sometimes try to understand my brain, but I can’t

By the way: I will now slowly start to think about a topic for my bachelor thesis. I was thinking about something modern, maybe something about Philip Pullman. If you have any ideas, feel free to leave a comment.

Thanks for reading

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2 thoughts on “Doubts and Disappointments

  1. I’m sorry that you felt and might still fell so discouraged by your professor! I also noticed that you have to work on your writing skills in English, but a lot of practice and collaboration usually helps to eliminate these problems.

    It also makes sense to go abroad to be in a new environment, where you are forced to speak the language most of the time. But not going is not the end of it! I wished you had the courage to tell me about your struggles because you are a dear friend, and I don’t want you to feel lost. Send me your stuff over and I help you improve your skill level. I also try to find some good resources for scholarly writing, since you now have your biggest project ahead of you. Don’t hesitate and text me, I’ll help you out! And there are ways to do a Master’s even with an average of 2,7 or 3,0! Keep your head up and work through it! I believe in you! <3

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